Dear Mom

I've been wanting to write this letter for some time now and of course have never gotten around to it until now.



First of all, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. When I think back to all of my years growing up, there are so many instances that I know I caused you heartache, worry, STRESS, disappointment, or all at the same time. I know that we both know that kids aren't perfect but until I became a mother, all of those times still seemed to me as the fault of someone else or you being too hard/strict on me. Now, knowing the intense love that I have for Megan, I am able to see that everything you did raising me was with all of the love and best intention that you had. You loved me so much, you were just trying to protect me or just ensure that I turned out to be the best I could be. And mom, even though there were some pretty rocky times, I think I turned out pretty okay and that has everything to do with you.



I guess now that I've become a mother, everything has come into perspective. Now I know how hard it really is, how tired you really get and how absolutely worthwhile it is. I remember times growing up where you just wanted to get away and spend some time alone. It didn't happen very often but of course back then, all I could think about was myself and thought that you just didn't want to be with us. of course, now I know that wasn't it at all. Now I understand what a hard job you had and in order to be an even better mom, you needed some time to take care of you.



The biggest thing that I've realized is that you love me and all of your kids more than any of us could even know and all of your decisions in raising us stemmed from that - even when I thought you were being mean or unfair. I'm so sorry I didn't see it that way back then. I would take so many things back if I could. I know I said things and did things that had to have broken your heart but you never gave up on me. So while I was feeling selfish about how bad I had it, I had no idea how lucky I was to have a mom that loved me so much that she held me accountable and taught me to be the person and mom that I am today.



I can honestly say that I learned how to be a good mom from you. I had a wonderful example. I'm not sure when it happened but there was a moment after Megan was born that I was thinking about how much I really love her. My next thought was, "Oh my gosh. This is how much my mom loves me." Right then I knew that I had to tell you 1) how sorry I am for not realizing it sooner and 2) thank you for loving me so much and doing all of those things that had to have been hard for you to do. But you did them because you loved me. I know I wasn't very fun to live with a lot of the time. I know it's not always going to be easy with Megan or our other kids. All I can ask for is that someday - hopefully before she's 29 - she will be able to answer any questions she has about the decisions I made with, "Because she loved me."



So now that I got all of that out, I also want you to know how proud I am to call you Megan's Grandma. I see and feel all of the love that you have for her and she is one lucky little girl.



I love you so much mom and I absolutely know that I haven't told you that enough. When we were in La Pine after Christmas, I just had the urge to hug you and tell you that I loved you. When I came back into the room I think I saw that you had tears. I realized then that you must not hear it nearly enough. So I will try to be better about it and not wait another 29 years. I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you.



Kristie