I don't have any pictures tonight, only thoughts of what have I done wrong, and why does she do this to us? We are going on 3 hours of a tantrum of which we are determined to win. And what does winning mean? That we will not give in and rock her back to sleep and sing her another 100 renditions of twinkle, twinkle little star. We have spanked, we have given hot sauce, we have yelled, we have kissed, we have whispered, we have told her about what awaits her tomorrow if she goes to sleep like a good girl. Every time we spank her, of course we feel horrible about it and every time we spank we are reminded that it does not work, along with the hot sauce, along with time outs, along with everything else we have tried to discipline our strong willed daughter. Nothing makes a dent, she will continue to scream until some negotiation turns in her favor or she finally....FINALLY gives up which doesn't happen all that often.
As I listen to her scream, the frustration builds because not only is SHE tired and cranky, so are we. I try to remember the good things - that she is healthy enough to scream, determined enough to fight and secure enough to know that we will not ever give up on her and mom and dad still ARE in the next room listening to her screaming.
In these moments we always think about what if we had another baby. Mostly the thought is, "If we can't control this one, what business do we have having another one?" Another basic thought was, "What if we had another baby? There's no way he or she could sleep through this either." Then we're doubly frustrated and tired. There is no way another soul could sleep during this.
Then of course the guilt sets in about obviously not doing the right thing and handling everything the right way otherwise we probably wouldn't be in this situation. And what does this mean for the future? Are we setting a standard, giving her permission to behave this way in some way that we just can't see? WHAT are we doing wrong? Then there is also the guilt of feeling so sorry for ourselves that it is hard to remember that we are so fortunate. Here we have this beautiful, healthy girl when just down the street, our family members are facing what no parents should ever have to face and our 8 year old niece is dealing with way too much. She was told this week that she would never be able to regrow hair because she will have to be on this certain chemo for the rest of her life. Last week she had a full head of hair and today she is wearing a wig. Makes you feel tiny in comparison.
Well, our sweet, healthy baby girl has finally cried herself to sleep and it is time for mommy to try not to do the same. I guess I really don't want people to comment on all this, at least not all the warm and fuzzies about being a great mom, cause I just don't feel like it right now. Off to bed, busy day tomorrow.
4 comments:
You are a great mom. I know you don't feel like it now, but I hope you know that you are. I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of you, and if you need to call and vent, I'm here. And I've been there.
Kristie, just remember that that strong willed little girl is going to turn into a beautiful, strong willed, confident and smart women just like her mama and you and Josh raised her. You guys should be proud of the little girl that you are raising. If only other parents gave half the amount of effort you guys do. I love you guys and keep working at it, she'll learn someday and in the mean time your family is here for you!
Kristie~ As hard as it is to let them cry it out it might just be the best thing, and for you to write out your frustrations helps you. I may take 3 hours tonight and 2 1/5 tomarrow but hopefully it gets down to a couple minutes before mom and dad pull out all of their hair. You and Josh are great people and great parents thats why it hurts so much to hear her cry. LOL Bobb Jo
You guys are awesome parents. There are hard times in training up a child in the way they should go. Just remember your doing everything right! There are times when you just want to scream but don't forget all the times where she has just made you two LOL!
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